What helps
- Say you're sorry. Simply and early.
- Use their name. People who are grieving often want to hear the name of the person they've lost.
- Share one memory, if you have one. Something small and true is perfect.
- Keep it short. Three or four sentences is plenty.
For a close friend
I'm so sorry about your dad. I'll always remember him at your graduation, prouder than anyone in the room. I'm here, for whatever you need.
There are no words, so I won't pretend to have them. I love you, and I'm thinking of you every day.
For a colleague
I was so sorry to hear about your mum. Please take all the time you need. We're all thinking of you.
When you didn't know the person who died
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how much your grandmother meant to you. Thinking of you and your family.
For the loss of a pet
I'm so sorry about Bramble. She had the best life with you. The house must feel very quiet.
When the card is late
In the first few months, it isn't too late. The cards stop coming long before the grief does, so a card a few weeks on can mean even more. After about six months, a sympathy card would feel out of place. Mark the first anniversary instead.
I've been thinking of you, and I wanted you to know. I'm so sorry about Sam.
What to leave out
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- "At least they're no longer suffering," or any sentence that starts with "at least".
- "I know how you feel." Even if you've been through something similar, every loss is different.
- Stories about your own grief. A line is fine. A paragraph turns the card around.
The anniversary
The first anniversary of a death or that person's birthday are often harder than people around the bereaved might realise. A short message on the day shows you haven't forgotten.
Thinking of you today, and of your mum.
On these days, leave out "happy" altogether, even on what would have been their birthday. Warmth is enough.
